Tom Allen

Q :   How do you build your spouse's pride in their work if you are in a very difficult financial situation and he/she is not making enough money? A :   That's a great question, and one that has a variety of answers.  I suppose to answer your question, I'd have to ask you a few questions  myself.        1.  Is he/she the primary or secondary source of income?  For instance, until recently, my wife was            a Project Manager for Dell Computers.  She was very good at what she did and very well paid.           However, her job was high-pressure and very stressful.  She quit and went from a very            substantial salary to nothing...as in $0.00.  She's beginning a career in Real Estate, but that            takes time and doesn't pay bills yet.  It's caused some changes in our life...

Q :   My husband is very neat and organized and I am not.  I know my stuff everywhere bugs him, but that's how I've always been.  What should we do? A :   First, let me say this is a very interestingly worded question.  Let's look at a few telling terms. "I know my stuff everywhere bugs him".   This is your spouse.  If you know something that you are doing really bugs your spouse, then the question is, why would you want to do it?  If your goal is to create animosity and discord in your marriage, then keep up the good work.  Sounds like you're being successful. "I've always been that way".   Apparently, this disclaimer makes everything OK.  By this logic, if I've always been a nose-picker or verbally abusive or.....well, you fill in the blank...you get a pass.  So much for marriage making you better. "What should we do?"   Here's the problem with that statement, I'm not talking to " we" .  I'm just talki...

Q :   Do you have any advice for a marriage separated by distance (military deployment)? A :  I have to admit, this is not anything that I have experienced personally.  However, in talking with Susan, she reminded me of times I was out of the country doing mission work which, although not nearly as dangerous as your situation, was still in the realm of the unknown, and caused her some trepidation. Some things that we tried and also some suggestions for you that you might find helpful: 1.  Find a daily devotional that both of you can use, so that you are reading the same thing each day and praying for the same things each day.  This can be so very beneficial in that it keeps you both on the same page spiritually. 2.  When you have an opportunity to communicate, be sure to share what God is teaching you, in general, but especially, in regard to your devotional studies. 3.  Share prayers, prayer requests and answered prayers with one another. ...

Q: How does one build trust again after one spouse had an emotional affair with someone from work? A: That's a great question, but one that I can't answer for you.  That's the bad news.  But, here's the good news...You can answer it for yourself.  In fact, you're the ONLY one who can answer it. The question you asked was " How does one build trust",  but the real question isn't what does he/she need to do to build your trust?  Honestly, they could do things right and left all day long, and it might, or it might not build your trust.  Only YOU know what you need from them in order to begin to trust them again.  To force them to read your mind...or even for me to read your mind, is cruel and unusual punishment. So, here's what I suggest you do.  Ask yourself one simple question, " What would it take for me to trust this person again?"   Sounds simple, but here's what it requires: *You have to be HONEST .  Don't sugar-coat th...

Q:   Should you share a secret with your spouse from the past that you know that would destroy them and your marriage? A:   That's an excellent question, and my answer may surprise you to some extent.  I'm big on the necessity of unfiltered, unconditional, honest, get to the heart of the matter communication between every husband and wife.  Communication is key.  It's our secrets that make us sick.  So, obviously the answer is an unequivocal "yes"....right? Well, possibly, but there's a few other components to take into consideration.  Here's the biggest one: What is my purpose in sharing this? If your motivation is to be open and honest in your relationship, then the answer is yes. If your motivation is the fact that you have done something that could be harmful to your spouse and/or family, then the answer is yes. If your motivation is that this is causing a break in your relationship with your spouse, then the answer is yes. If your motiv...

Yesterday, we culminated our series, I WANT A NEW MARRIAGE with a Q & A with my wife Susan and myself.  You texted in 100's of questions, so we couldn't get to every one.  Over the next few weeks, I'll try to answer as many as possible.  So, here we go... "How can you get romantic time when your spouse insists that not ONE, but TWO kids under age 5 sleep in your bed?" That's a great question.  This is a practice referred to as Co-Sleeping , where the child or children are invited into the bed with the parents.  The ideas behind the practice are to further promote bonding between parents and children, boost emotional health and build self-esteem and independence later in life. In answer to your question as to how to promote romance in your marriage while practicing co-sleeping, I have no answer for you.  My belief would be that the practice of co-sleeping, although not biblically forbidden, is in direct contradiction to at least two biblical concep...

IWANM.  That may mean nothing to you, but for the people of Crosspoint Church it has come to be something of a war cry...I WANT A NEW MARRIAGE!  One important detail...we're not talking about a new spouse.  Quite the contrary.  NEW MARRIAGE..SAME SPOUSE. Hundred's of couples have made a priority of their marriage and decided to make an investment of time and attention by taking the 30 Days to a New Marriage Challenge.  Thirty days worth of topics we seldom talk about, but desperately need to.  The beautiful thing is that if a wife or a husband brought up most of these topics, the other spouse would automatically go on the defensive.  But, this little innocent book is able to do what neither spouse is able to.  It's amazing. Fun?  Not always.  Needed?  Certainly.  Life-Changing?  Absolutely.  When we're forced to deal with our "stuff" that we've ignored and denied, it can only do amazing things to our marriage, no ...