IWANM....TRUST

Q: How does one build trust again after one spouse had an emotional affair with someone from work?

A: That's a great question, but one that I can't answer for you.  That's the bad news.  But, here's the good news...You can answer it for yourself.  In fact, you're the ONLY one who can answer it.

The question you asked was "How does one build trust", but the real question isn't what does he/she need to do to build your trust?  Honestly, they could do things right and left all day long, and it might, or it might not build your trust.  Only YOU know what you need from them in order to begin to trust them again.  To force them to read your mind...or even for me to read your mind, is cruel and unusual punishment.

So, here's what I suggest you do.  Ask yourself one simple question, "What would it take for me to trust this person again?"  Sounds simple, but here's what it requires:

*You have to be HONEST.  Don't sugar-coat this.  Be real.  Be true to yourself.  You have the right and the responsibility to be honest enough to ask whatever your require.  Even if it's more than the other party is willing to do, it's best they know that right up front, rather than trying to guess and hitting a brick wall.

*You have to be ALL-INCLUSIVE.  You need to tell them everything you require.  This can't be an ever-changing list....a moving target.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  No amendments.

* You have to give a TIME FRAME.  It can't be, "I want you to quit drinking" or "I need you to see a counselor" or "I need you to have no contact with this other person".  Whatever it is that you require of them to begin to trust them again needs a specific time frame.  Do you mean for a week, a month, six months, a year....what?  Otherwise, when they've done what you require of them for a week and you don't trust them, they'll think you lied to them.  Also, they need to know exactly what the requirement is and if they're willing to pay the price to win you back.

*Put it in WRITING.  That way there's no misunderstanding or misinterpretation.

*You need to be a person of your WORD.  If you say, "I need you to do A, B, C & D for six months in order to win back my trust", and they do it, then you need to trust them.  You laid the ground rules, and they played by them.  Now it's your turn.  Be careful what you ask for...you just might get it.  Once they jump through your hoops, they need to know they can trust you.

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