I Gave In and Went...For Her...
This past weekend I went to a marriage conference. OK, so that's not my idea of a good time. Don't misunderstand me, I love my wife. I even want to have a better marriage. But, sitting in a hotel ballroom for three days is not my idea of a good time. It's one of those..."I know this is a good thing... I know this is a needed thing... I know I will be better off for doing it... I know, I know, I know... I'm doing it... just don't ask me to get excited about it. It's the weekend. It's a 4-hour ride. It's expensive (conference, hotel, meals, gas, books I KNOW my wife is destined to buy) AND, could it be a better college football weekend. Finally, good games. (Played while I'm in a hotel ballroom). UGH...
But, I said, "Sure, let's go" (fake smile required). And, we did. She's worth it, right? The 4-hour drive, honestly, seemed like 6. Then, we finally got there. I think more of Dallas is under construction that Houston. (is that even possible?) But, we got there and went to check in. (Dramatic pause) Thirty minutes later it was completely confirmed that they had NO RESERVATION ANYWHERE under our names. "But, don't worry folks...we have a room for you. No more King rooms...they're all sold out. (Yes, by people who actually made REAL reservations) But, we can put you in a room with 2 double beds." Of course you can. Nothing screams Marriage Weekend and getting really close like each of us having our own bed! This is going great. I have an excellent attitude. (read with sarcasm AND the fake smile) This is going to accomplish everything we'd hoped! (additional sarcasm).
It's not like I'd never been to one of these things. The conference we attended was A WEEKEND TO REMEMBER. (When we heard we had "no room in the inn" I turned to Susan and said, "OK, this is definitely going to be a weekend to remember") We'd attended one before, so, I pretty much got this stuff down anyway. (Never mind that was about 25 years ago... I got it...We're good... I'm pretty sure if the presenter comes down with something, I can jump right in and not skip a beat... and, with more comic relief!)
FIRST SESSION: After putting our things away in our room and choosing which bed each of us would sleep in, (I kind of felt like an old episode of Lucy and Ricky Ricardo in "I Love Lucy"), we attended the first session. Mostly introductory stuff. Bald guy. I like him. Relatively painless. Then a break and heading into the first REAL session (Where you actually learn stuff). Guess what? Another bald guy. He's from Tennessee. From the accent, kind of sounds like the hills of Tennessee...deep in the hills of Tennessee. Possibly married to his first cousin...but, otherwise, a good guy. He will keep my interest. Played football at East Carolina. Football stories have got me. This should be painless. I got this.
He was rolling along, talking about marriage and listing all the things that cause marriages to fail. This could be good preaching material for future use. I should take notes. Someone will need this stuff. We're cruising now.
Then, he said something, and my ears perked up. Threat #2: Our culture's pattern.
*Our culture's pattern is a 50/50 PERFORMANCE relationship.
*Acceptance is based on performance.
*Giving is based on MERIT...affection is given when one feels it is deserved.
*Motivation is based on how one FEELS.
*Our culture's pattern is destined to SELF-DESTRUCT because of...
...my tendency to focus on weaknesses in my spouse.
...my disappointment in my spouse, which paralyzes my performance.
OK, I could write on and on, but this bald guy who I thought I liked a few minutes earlier had just read my mail. I was busted. (Is this new material... or did it take me the last 25 years to get to the point of actually being honest with myself? Probably the latter.) Suddenly, I wasn't thinking about the room reservation or the personalized beds or the ballroom or the football I'd be missing. I sunk in my chair a little. I wiped the smirk off my face (and the egg) and listened like I meant it.
THE RESULT OF THREAT #2: ISOLATION
I don't think either of us had a name for it...we just knew there was something missing. We'd signed up for this 37 years ago. We were still signed up for this. But, to be honest, neither of us thought it was what we'd signed up for. It definitely wasn't BAD. I talk with people about BAD all the time. The problem wasn't that it was BAD. It was more that it just wasn't GREAT. I signed up for GREAT. So did Susan. But, we agreed to for BETTER or for WORSE. So, what was this?
Back to the conference...this is one of those conferences that actually wants you to do something with the stuff they give you. (What?) They gave us assignments after every session. So, that night we did what we were told to do. One of those questions we asked each other was, "Circle and share the threat that has had the biggest impact on your marriage". My answer: Our Culture's Pattern. Let me break it down for you like I did for Susan. Bottom Line: I have loved my wife...CONDITIONALLY. My love goes up when she gets a reservation at the hotel with a King-size bed. Down when we have no reservation (and there are 10 people in line behind us trying to check-in and wondering why these people can't get their stuff straight). It goes up when she loses 10 lbs, down when she gains 10 lbs, it goes up when she calls the plumber like I asked her to and down when she says, "Aw shoot, I meant to do that". The love is always there...but the volume is very, very volatile.
I may not be good, but I am dangerously honest. "I love you conditionally. That's our problem. I'm our problem. I want to make you the problem, or at least part of it...you know, 50/50... but, you're not. I am the problem and my problem is my love fluctuates from day to day. Actually, from hour to hour would be more precise.
And the result is a very, very slow... almost undetectable... drift. No one can notice it. No one can put their finger on it. No one knows when it started or how it started or why it started... but it did. It's like laying in an inner tube just off the shore, just, apparently, bobbing along going nowhere. Until you look... and you can't see the shore... and you're bewildered as to how you got here. So, is the drift of marriage. Undetectable. Unnoticed. Almost non-existent...till you do notice it one day and have no clue where you are or how you got there.
Here's my take-away: If, in marriage, you are not moving closer to one another, then you are moving further apart from one another. Period. The end of that journey is what, ultimately, destroys every marriage that fails...ISOLATION.
I went to a Marriage Conference. I went smiling on the outside and kicking and screaming a little bit on the inside... but I was open just enough for God to speak and me to hear. And He spoke. And I heard. I called her today and asked, "Were you at home when I left? I was in a hurry. Did I forget to kiss you goodbye?" She said, "No, I was walking when you left."
I don't know how many more years we'll both be around, but I do know 2 things. We'll be married. And, I will try with God's help to just love her...100%... Period... NO CONDITIONS. I wanna drift in her direction.
But, I said, "Sure, let's go" (fake smile required). And, we did. She's worth it, right? The 4-hour drive, honestly, seemed like 6. Then, we finally got there. I think more of Dallas is under construction that Houston. (is that even possible?) But, we got there and went to check in. (Dramatic pause) Thirty minutes later it was completely confirmed that they had NO RESERVATION ANYWHERE under our names. "But, don't worry folks...we have a room for you. No more King rooms...they're all sold out. (Yes, by people who actually made REAL reservations) But, we can put you in a room with 2 double beds." Of course you can. Nothing screams Marriage Weekend and getting really close like each of us having our own bed! This is going great. I have an excellent attitude. (read with sarcasm AND the fake smile) This is going to accomplish everything we'd hoped! (additional sarcasm).
It's not like I'd never been to one of these things. The conference we attended was A WEEKEND TO REMEMBER. (When we heard we had "no room in the inn" I turned to Susan and said, "OK, this is definitely going to be a weekend to remember") We'd attended one before, so, I pretty much got this stuff down anyway. (Never mind that was about 25 years ago... I got it...We're good... I'm pretty sure if the presenter comes down with something, I can jump right in and not skip a beat... and, with more comic relief!)
FIRST SESSION: After putting our things away in our room and choosing which bed each of us would sleep in, (I kind of felt like an old episode of Lucy and Ricky Ricardo in "I Love Lucy"), we attended the first session. Mostly introductory stuff. Bald guy. I like him. Relatively painless. Then a break and heading into the first REAL session (Where you actually learn stuff). Guess what? Another bald guy. He's from Tennessee. From the accent, kind of sounds like the hills of Tennessee...deep in the hills of Tennessee. Possibly married to his first cousin...but, otherwise, a good guy. He will keep my interest. Played football at East Carolina. Football stories have got me. This should be painless. I got this.
He was rolling along, talking about marriage and listing all the things that cause marriages to fail. This could be good preaching material for future use. I should take notes. Someone will need this stuff. We're cruising now.
Then, he said something, and my ears perked up. Threat #2: Our culture's pattern.
*Our culture's pattern is a 50/50 PERFORMANCE relationship.
*Acceptance is based on performance.
*Giving is based on MERIT...affection is given when one feels it is deserved.
*Motivation is based on how one FEELS.
*Our culture's pattern is destined to SELF-DESTRUCT because of...
...my tendency to focus on weaknesses in my spouse.
...my disappointment in my spouse, which paralyzes my performance.
OK, I could write on and on, but this bald guy who I thought I liked a few minutes earlier had just read my mail. I was busted. (Is this new material... or did it take me the last 25 years to get to the point of actually being honest with myself? Probably the latter.) Suddenly, I wasn't thinking about the room reservation or the personalized beds or the ballroom or the football I'd be missing. I sunk in my chair a little. I wiped the smirk off my face (and the egg) and listened like I meant it.
THE RESULT OF THREAT #2: ISOLATION
I don't think either of us had a name for it...we just knew there was something missing. We'd signed up for this 37 years ago. We were still signed up for this. But, to be honest, neither of us thought it was what we'd signed up for. It definitely wasn't BAD. I talk with people about BAD all the time. The problem wasn't that it was BAD. It was more that it just wasn't GREAT. I signed up for GREAT. So did Susan. But, we agreed to for BETTER or for WORSE. So, what was this?
Back to the conference...this is one of those conferences that actually wants you to do something with the stuff they give you. (What?) They gave us assignments after every session. So, that night we did what we were told to do. One of those questions we asked each other was, "Circle and share the threat that has had the biggest impact on your marriage". My answer: Our Culture's Pattern. Let me break it down for you like I did for Susan. Bottom Line: I have loved my wife...CONDITIONALLY. My love goes up when she gets a reservation at the hotel with a King-size bed. Down when we have no reservation (and there are 10 people in line behind us trying to check-in and wondering why these people can't get their stuff straight). It goes up when she loses 10 lbs, down when she gains 10 lbs, it goes up when she calls the plumber like I asked her to and down when she says, "Aw shoot, I meant to do that". The love is always there...but the volume is very, very volatile.
I may not be good, but I am dangerously honest. "I love you conditionally. That's our problem. I'm our problem. I want to make you the problem, or at least part of it...you know, 50/50... but, you're not. I am the problem and my problem is my love fluctuates from day to day. Actually, from hour to hour would be more precise.
And the result is a very, very slow... almost undetectable... drift. No one can notice it. No one can put their finger on it. No one knows when it started or how it started or why it started... but it did. It's like laying in an inner tube just off the shore, just, apparently, bobbing along going nowhere. Until you look... and you can't see the shore... and you're bewildered as to how you got here. So, is the drift of marriage. Undetectable. Unnoticed. Almost non-existent...till you do notice it one day and have no clue where you are or how you got there.
Here's my take-away: If, in marriage, you are not moving closer to one another, then you are moving further apart from one another. Period. The end of that journey is what, ultimately, destroys every marriage that fails...ISOLATION.
I went to a Marriage Conference. I went smiling on the outside and kicking and screaming a little bit on the inside... but I was open just enough for God to speak and me to hear. And He spoke. And I heard. I called her today and asked, "Were you at home when I left? I was in a hurry. Did I forget to kiss you goodbye?" She said, "No, I was walking when you left."
I don't know how many more years we'll both be around, but I do know 2 things. We'll be married. And, I will try with God's help to just love her...100%... Period... NO CONDITIONS. I wanna drift in her direction.
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