Parenting...What Now?

What's the most challenging part about parenting during a pandemic? There's a lot of really great answers to that question...and none of them are wrong. But, I think the hardest thing is having no template to compare it to or use as your "Go-To." We're entering into new territory. No books to read or podcasts of the past to listen to, this is new. No one can honestly say they've been through this before. Nor have I. Despite that, I still believe some parenting absolutes, sprinkled in with lessons learned from past disasters, can serve as a guide. These principles might not make parenting in a pandemic easy, but at the very least, they can make it tolerable.

Be the leader of peace for your children.

Many great leaders throughout the ages have managed to keep their heads when those around them were losing theirs. When reflecting on those who have done it best, I remembered the words of Franklin D. Roosevelt during WW2, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." I wonder down deep inside how afraid he really was. Despite his potential fears, he maintained a peaceful demeanor. He knew if he was openly afraid, so would go the nation. The same is true for children.

A friend of mine, who happens to be a Child Therapist, once told me, "Nothing is picked up on faster by children than their parent's anxiety." Anxious parents yield anxious children. Calm parents, dissuade the anxiety in children.  In a world that is upside down, show them the upside. Simply said, your job is to not make it worse.

Kick perfectionism to the curb. 

OK, so you don't know how to do fractions the way they do it in school now… Your child isn't going to be held back, permanently scarred, or end up in therapy for the rest of their lives because of your mathematical struggle. (Deep breath) 

Right now, your kids really don't need you to be the perfect parent. Heck, they don't need the pressure of being the kids of the perfect parents. Years ago, I read a parenting book about giving ourselves permission to be "good enough." I kind of recoiled at that. Looking back... I'm not sure I measured up to that standard. But, one thing I do know is i've got four awesome kids who have turned (by the grace of God) into four awesome, godly adults. Not perfect… but definitely way more than good enough.

So breathe, do your best, and be content with your best being "good enough."

Agree to disagree in private but be unified in front of the kids.

It's easy to forget that parenting is a team sport. First kid, it's two-on-one. Next child, it's one-on-one. After that, it's all Zone defense. Like I quoted in a message recently, if the two of you never disagree, one of you is unnecessary. It's OK to disagree, just not in front of the kids. 

When that happens, your children are smart enough to divide and conquer. Be united in front of your kids; reserve your disagreements for later in private. Hey, it's perfectly OK to say, "we changed our mind and have decided to ___________." You can even say, "Upon further review, the call is reversed. We decided you can't do that after all." (Striped shirts, optional)

Try to keep some sense of regularity. 

Nothing...I mean nothing is the same. Do whatever you can to keep familiarity; it is both rare and valuable. When everyone in the home gets on a different schedule, it's hard. It becomes easy to forget bedtimes, chores, mealtimes, and...well just about everything. Everyone needs a little bit of consistency in their lives, especially when everything else is inconsistent and uncertain. I'm not saying be a drill-sergeant, just keep a little bit of consistency for consistency's sake.

Pandemic or no pandemic, never forget the FIRST RULE OF PARENTING...Never reward bad behavior. 

This is the first, greatest, most important rule of parenting...and the most ignored. It breaks my heart when I see a child misbehaving or, as God calls it, rebelling against authority. It bothers me that some parents don't love their children enough to discipline them. The problem is not merely about that one incident; it's about the principle: what gets rewarded gets repeated. 

Want your child to scream every time they are told "no"? Just reward their screaming by giving them what they want. Sure, it will stop the screaming for that moment. But, it will pay off in being a recurring behavior over and over and over again. The problem isn't their fault, mom and dad, it's yours. When you reward their bad behavior, even if it is just to save what's left of your hearing, you shape a behavior pattern. The problem is simple: Your child needs parents that have a stronger will than they do. (OUCH!)

I know some will say, "well, these times are hard on them, and they've missed out on so much, and they're just kids, and.......". We all have had to miss out on something. One thing you don't want them to miss out on is having great parents who refuse to ever reward bad behavior. Pandemics will go away. But, you're stuck with what you've allowed...good or bad.

Obviously, this is not the end-all and be-all of "Everything You Ever Need to Know to Weather a Pandemic Successfully." But, I hope at least a few of these ideas may be useful. Parenting is the hardest job you'll ever do. And...the hardest part is you really won't know how well you did until they are grown. YIKES! Follow God's principles, pray a lot, and trust God to override your mistakes. I'm rooting for you. You're going to do great!