IWANM.....Listening
Q: As a man, it is very difficult to understand and ONLY listen to my wife. How does a man get better at not trying to fix her problems and just listening?
A: This is a great question and really illustrates one of the biggest differences between men and women. Men are by nature fixers. We like to fix things, build things, find solutions. We find satisfaction in problem-solving. We also have word quotas that are much lower than our female counterparts.
To tell a man to be quiet, listen and DON'T solve the problem is like telling a bird not to fly or a dog not to chase a rabbit. It just cuts totally against everything that comes naturally.
Women, on the other hand, don't run on factual fuel as much as emotional fuel. They feel loved, not by their spouse ignoring the facts and solutions, but first and foremost by their spouse validating their feelings and emotions.
Husbands, when you simply problem-solve, that makes perfect sense to us, but what it says to our wives is that their emotions and their feelings don't matter, aren't valid, and aren't really worthy of your time and attention.
Guys, if you're like me, you sometimes wonder if you even HAVE feelings, much less understand someone else'. I just want to say, "OK, listen. Here's what you need to do. 1....2....3...." I remember one time I did that with Susan. I thought I gave her some great advice and it took a lot less time my way. So, I was blown away when Susan looked at me and instead of saying, "Thank you honey. That was just what I needed", she said, "Gee, if I needed a dad I would have just kept the one I already had". OUCH!!!
Understand, guys, that doesn't mean you have to become a girl and just get all touchy-feely and sit there and listen. You're a guy. Go ahead and fix. Problem-solve. But, first just shut-up and listen. What she needs most from you is to know you love her enough to listen to her and by doing so, to let her know that her feelings are OK, valid and normal. WARNING: You may have to actually develop an Emotional Vocabulary beyond happy, sad, mad and hurt. That's not going to take you too far.
And ladies, let Mr. Fix-It do his thing. If he can't problem-solve, you might as well cut off his hands. If you don't want solutions, you should have married a girl. Not suggesting that. But, since you married a man...let him be a man. You can ignore his solutions if you want, but at least listen to them. It's what we guys do!
A: This is a great question and really illustrates one of the biggest differences between men and women. Men are by nature fixers. We like to fix things, build things, find solutions. We find satisfaction in problem-solving. We also have word quotas that are much lower than our female counterparts.
To tell a man to be quiet, listen and DON'T solve the problem is like telling a bird not to fly or a dog not to chase a rabbit. It just cuts totally against everything that comes naturally.
Women, on the other hand, don't run on factual fuel as much as emotional fuel. They feel loved, not by their spouse ignoring the facts and solutions, but first and foremost by their spouse validating their feelings and emotions.
Husbands, when you simply problem-solve, that makes perfect sense to us, but what it says to our wives is that their emotions and their feelings don't matter, aren't valid, and aren't really worthy of your time and attention.
Guys, if you're like me, you sometimes wonder if you even HAVE feelings, much less understand someone else'. I just want to say, "OK, listen. Here's what you need to do. 1....2....3...." I remember one time I did that with Susan. I thought I gave her some great advice and it took a lot less time my way. So, I was blown away when Susan looked at me and instead of saying, "Thank you honey. That was just what I needed", she said, "Gee, if I needed a dad I would have just kept the one I already had". OUCH!!!
Understand, guys, that doesn't mean you have to become a girl and just get all touchy-feely and sit there and listen. You're a guy. Go ahead and fix. Problem-solve. But, first just shut-up and listen. What she needs most from you is to know you love her enough to listen to her and by doing so, to let her know that her feelings are OK, valid and normal. WARNING: You may have to actually develop an Emotional Vocabulary beyond happy, sad, mad and hurt. That's not going to take you too far.
And ladies, let Mr. Fix-It do his thing. If he can't problem-solve, you might as well cut off his hands. If you don't want solutions, you should have married a girl. Not suggesting that. But, since you married a man...let him be a man. You can ignore his solutions if you want, but at least listen to them. It's what we guys do!
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